I heard someone talking about how he wanted to meet some bangin hotties tonight or something like that. My brain only has so much space so including ramblings of drunken frat guys usually won't fit on the hard drive unless the experience ends with Jack Daniels flavored throw up on my shoes and the proverbial fist fight that ensues afterwards but it did get me thinking. I haven't tried hitting on a girl in months. Why Harris, don't you want some hot sexiness in your life to nag you when you get home or ask you about engagement rings when you only met a week ago... scary. I look better than I have in forever, I used to have the personality of a dead fish, now I have the personality of a floundering one in a cool turtle neck that you only see doucebag hipsters wear. So if I want to go out with someone I'm confident I could have a girlfriend assuming they don't mistake my waking up in the morning bed head look for starving artist/crack addict. The reasons I haven't tried to get in the sack with a girl I meet around town, a classmate or anything like that is two-fold.... scratch that, two-million fold and growing. I'm picky about the girl I would date. I'd need her to be motivated in her life, have some goals and dreams, be fun to be around, have a personality, and make me feel like smiling when I see her. Maybe I'm thinking of the high standards I have set for myself now and am imposing them on the person I'd be with but if she thinks that waitressing is her dream job or she just happened to settle on the slow death of her brain by coke fixes, clubbing and constantly telling me how being a barista is not just a job, it's a lifestyle, although as interestingly stimulating that conversation would be compared to talking to the lady with 7 cats, I gotta say, I'm probably not gonna be that planning the next date and besides she would have just totally killed my boner. The Barista-Lifestyle? wtf? Damn blondie, get it together.
I can't just be with anybody anymore or just date someone because they're nice or a good person. I want a little more than just, she's saved her 30th starving African kid for less than a cup of coffee a day. There's a lot to the complexity of each person in the world. There's billions of women, billions of people and although dating Mother Theresa would be nice except for the wrinkles and the new grave smell (she's dead right?). I think I'm becoming one of those scrutinizing bastards that has a check-list for the girl I date. Not that I actually have a list, besides the one in my wallet next to the pictures of my exs 30 adopted African children, but I think I need to be picky and that being picky means you care about what's important to you, Don't get me wrong, nice is good since I've had my fill of crazy psycho in the past getting slugged so much you'd think I was a UFC fighter. thank God for my battered boyfriend sunglasses back then, but I think I just need more from the person that I date. It's been a year since I promised myself to use everyday to become the ideal me. Going back to school, getting the 6-pack, studying foreign languages everyday til my brain can fry an egg on it. Most days I'm so focused on my goals to become an extraordinary person trying to meet deadlines I set for myself, waking up at 6:00 each morning and not letting myself rest until I've gotten a checklist load of crap accomplished like an anal crazy person, that most days I don't think about anything else. I feel like I'm trying to navy seal train myself now and can't focus on anything else whatsoever because until I reach my goals I'm nothing special. Can I be any more neurotic? Some days though, it's lonely. Though it's only once in a while but every now and then it'd be nice to lay on the couch with someone, hold them in your arms and watch a movie together while we cuddle....that sounded so gay, let me check if my balls are still there.... I feel like I want friends and people in my life, especially when you feel worn down from all the trying so hard to become something when you feel like you're nothing that friends help you forget what a mental case you are but mainly I don't want to put myself in a situation where I'm dating someone and so focused on pursuing my personal goals that I don't give them the time they'd deserve. My cat is already bitchin at me for never being home, imagine if she had tits and could talk. shitstorm. but I digress. I'm not the one night stand guy and I'm right now not the relationship guy, but my god I have not had sex in forever. I swear I've become a virgin again and sprouted a male hymen. should probably get that checked out... If I keep going celibate like this I'm going to have to join a convent.... but yeah, I now know that I can confidently go out and have a relationship if I wanted to, find a girlfriend no problem but for the first time in my life am turning the opportunities down. I remember when I was young every girl I knew I looked at like a potential hookup, girlfriend, future psycho ex-girlfriend, etc, but now it's like being a totally different person and the girl having to show me that she's worth dating and also valuing the people in my life for who they are as people rather than just rating them on breast size and seeing women as pieces of meat. That sounds gay too..... this whole post is a freakin gay orgy at this point. Better get my leather chaps ready and work on my squats.
I want more out of my life and have fully committed to changing myself into an exceptional person for this whole last year, to be the CEO and not the garbage man, the entrepreneur instead of the guy who cleans up jizz at the strip club. (I wonder if that's the job title they'd put in the newspaper.. Jizz Cleaner. Maybe spooge custodian sounds more professional... I don't think that guy gets up excited to go to work every morning, just a thought) I feel like I need to continue making myself the focus in my life. To continue changing and making me my #1 priority.... feels like when a girl says "my only boyfriend is Jesus" I wanna smack her in back of the head when I hear that and not just because Jesus is unemployed and she shouldn't date broke guys. no wait, he was a carpenter right? okay I take that back. Even though I've done this for a while and am tackling all these individual goals one by one, I'm wondering what to do about those times where I'm sighing on the bed missing some kind of real closeness. I mean youporn can only go so far right... not that I look at that stuff you know, being celibate for a year and all.... hell this whole post is so girly I think I've grown tits...hmmm, I might not need youporn after all.
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